How To: Go To The Gym

There are four types of people who go to your typical, faceless, commercial gym in Britain.

Gym bros, people who actually know what they’re doing, people who don’t know what they’re doing and women.

Most women seem to do exactly the same thing in the gym – a quick run on the treadmill, maybe a quick go on the cross-trainer and they head to the mats to do some stretches and lift some (very) light weights before going on the hip adductor machine.

Gym bros and people who actually know what they’re doing (they need a snappier nickname) are different in one massive way - gym bros are dicks.

I probably fall into the third category of people who don’t know what they’re doing but I’m getting better. I even spent two months at Men’s Fitness magazine so that is my trump card if a gym bro ever challenges me.

There is one uniting principle that, until today, I thought governed all gym-goers in Britain - give everyone space to do their workout so you’re not in each other’s face. Maintaining personal space is a very British concept that should be sacred in gyms up and down the country.

According to the Guardian 5.2 million Brits had a gym membership in 2011. That’s a lot of people to cram into such small spaces.

The gym that I go to, inconveniently called The Gym, is never too busy at off-peak times. As a freelance journalist (I prefer the term freelance to unemployed) I have the luxury of going at 10:30am. It beats staying in and watching This Morning. The only other people at The Gym at that time are either very old, uni students who weren’t on the piss the night before or fellow unemployed people.

Don't be like these guys!

I reached the gym at 10:45, changed and wandered over to the free weights section choosing a precise position clear of everyone else to observe the principle of personal space.

After doing three sets of squats, I altered the weight and moved onto another classic compound lift – the deadlift. I looked into the mirror to admire my quiff when I noticed a fellow male gym-goer sitting down right behind me. Literally, right behind me.

This is how to deadlift...just thought you might be interested

I nudged my barbell slightly further forward to reclaim my personal space until I realised that I was as close to the mirrored wall as I could possibly be without appearing totally vain.

I completed my first set and I noticed the guy was still sitting down, quite possibly meditating.

Thankfully he got up and edged back before doing some bicep curls. From this I concluded two things:

- I’ve encountered Britain’s first Buddhist gym bunny.

- He doesn’t know what he’s doing. Seriously, bicep curls?

If you’re planning to start working out and getting fit in your local gym then follow these basic rules that govern social convention:

1) DO NOT stand around talking to your friends while people are waiting to use equipment or machines.

2) DO NOT crowd around benches, weights or machines.

3) DO use the free weights.

4) DO NOT get up close and personal with other gym-goers.

5) DO NOT just do bicep curls.

Follow me on Twitter @Alex_Harris1991