Just British Problems

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Who Killed Lucy Beale?

We love soap operas in Britain. We like to escape our miserable lives by watching fictitious characters with even more miserable lives.

EastEnders is the grittiest – shorthand for depressing – of the soaps and on Friday (April 18) the show kicked off one of its most ambitious stories - who killed Lucy Beale?

The story effectively starts with viewers discovering Ian Beale’s daughter dead in the woods and over the course of the year the dark details of her life will begin to unravel and the events of that fateful night will be revealed.

So to kick things off, here’s a handy, virtual cut-out guide to the potential suspects.

Peter Beale

Who? The son of Ian Beale and Lucy’s twin.

Motive? He overheard his dad telling Lucy she was his favourite child.

Killer? Who would kill their twin? Although his personality has gradually changed in recent months and he could be haunted by seeing his friend die in Newquay.

Ian Beale

Who? Part-time weasel, full-time businessman.

Motive? He had a row with Lucy mere hours before her death

Killer? Who would kill their own child? Ian wouldn’t have it in him to kill anyone

Jake Stone

Who? Exactly

Motive? A shady character who could well be involved in Walford’s drug scene. He works for Ian so he could have had plenty of meetings with Lucy

Killer? He accidentally killed a child when drink-driving and the character is leaving soon

Aleks Shirovs

Who? Walford’s own Latvian market inspector

Motive? Lives with Jake and potentially had run-ins with Lucy due to the recent market storyline.

Killer? It would be a bit underwhelming but he has been shown to be ruthless

Max Branning

Who? Balding ginger yet local lothario

Motive? Lucy ended their secret relationship and argued with him on the night of her death

Killer? He may cheat time and time again but Max doesn’t have it in him to kill. Surely?

Lee Carter

Who? Son of Danny Dyer.

Motive? Spent the night with Lucy. Not a motive, perhaps he suffers from premature ejaculation and didn’t want her telling anyone.

Killer? He’s in the army and has just come back from a tour of Afghanistan so he has the instinct.

Abi Branning

Who? Daughter of Max.

Motive? Perhaps she found out about Max hooking up with Lucy.

Killer? It would be quite the character change…

I’m going to put my neck on the line and say Lucy has committed suicide. The Daily Mail somewhat spoiled things with this article showing Hetti Bywater (Lucy Beale) filming at the block of flats she was leasing out. Putting two and two together, my theory is that she’s has taken a dodgy batch of cocaine and jumped off the building. Hence her ‘killers’ are the drug dealers and those characters who have pushed her to the brink. Clever.

Let me know your theories by tweeting me @Alex_Harris1991

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

9 British People Problems

We just have so many...

As a non-smoker, apologising when someone asks you if you have a lighter

"I'm sorry I don't fill my lungs with tar"

Not wanting to disturb your doctor, even though you’re ill

"I will die from social awkwardness"

Running out of tea bags

"Quick! Fetch an old one from the bin. I need a cuppa!"

Running out of milk for your tea

"Oh ok, I'll just drink it without milk." *Grimaces* "...Lovely..."

Thanking parking wardens when they give you a ticket

"Thanks. Only £30, that's ok..." *Dies inside*

Apologising to people who have bumped into you

"Sorry!" *Mutters under breath* "What a c***."

Pressing the ‘Stop’ button on the bus too early but getting off anyway and walking the remaining distance

"Great. Now I have to walk through the stabby estate..."

People cutting the queue

"Get to the back bitch!"

Getting a terrible haircut but telling the barber it’s exactly what you had in mind

"Great!" *Thinks to self* "SHIT!!!"

Follow me on Twitter @Alex_Harris1991

Monday, 14 April 2014

22 Signs You’re An Unemployed Graduate

You wake up and have time to extensively read your Twitter timeline

Once you’ve caught up on Twitter you have time to make something more substantial for breakfast than a cereal bar

When you turn on the television you immediately tune in to The Jeremy Kyle Show

Once that’s over you decide it’s time for a well-earned nap

After a quick browse through Buzzfeed’s latest lists

You wake up from your hour long nap and discover that there is a cooking feature on This Morning

Which makes you hungry so you go and look in the fridge

Except there isn’t much so you put on your trainers and hoodie and head to the shops

You can’t be bothered to cook and suddenly McDonald’s seems appetising

You tell yourself that at £4.09 a medium Big Mac meal doesn’t hit your tight finances too hard

After wolfing down your meal and suddenly feeling sick, you decide it’s time to head home and look for a job

But things get in the way such as YouTube

And you find you’ve spent the last hour watching cat videos

There’s a heap of new albums to listen to on Spotify

Suddenly you’re parents/siblings/flat-mates are home from work/school/university

And you just have to watch Pointless first

Then a mate texts you asking if you fancy a pint

You tell yourself it’s a nice evening so it’d be rude not to

One pint turns into two which turns into three

You leave the pub for a club

Seven pints, three tequilas and a shot of vodka later you return home

Only to repeat the same cycle the next day

Friday, 11 April 2014

London Man On A Leash

Something strange happened in London today (April 11) – a woman was dragging a man around the city’s streets like a dog on a leash.

The question remains what was going on so here’s X possible but highly unlikely explanations behind this bizarre stunt.

They took their bedroom activities outside

It was a statement on modern society

She’s a feminist

She accidentally put the leash on her husband than her dog

They had a bet and he lost

He woke up thinking he was a dog

He forgot to do the washing up

He woke up and thought ‘Hey, let’s walk around London like I’m your pet’

They wanted to become crazy internet famous

Maybe they’re creating a new norm

It’s the hot new subculture

His company dished out a new form of discipline

Or it was probably just a PR stunt…

Follow me on Twitter @Alex_Harris1991

People You See On The London Underground

Chances are you’ve travelled on the tube at some point in your life. It zips you around London in no time and it keeps the hustle and bustle of the city ticking over.

But have you ever noticed how there are quite a few annoying people on the tube. Here are just a few examples of the sort you’ll see on your next trip on the Northern/Circle/Central/Bakerloo/You-Get-The-Gist Line.

The smelly drunk

No matter what time you hop on the tube there's someone who's had a few too many cans of Special Brew - be it at 9am or 9pm.

The reader

Even when there's no room you'll find one person who thinks they can read a few pages of their book. It's even worse when you get someone who thinks they can read their broadsheet edition of the Telegraph.

The desperate seat grabber

You know the sort. There's one seat left and a whole rabble of people have just got on at Leicester Square. From that gang of people one person will dash over to the chair to sit down only to get off at the next stop. What a dick.

The tourist

If you didn't laugh at the tourist/TARDIS gag then shame on you. It always makes me laugh when a tourist gets on the tube and gets their guide out and anxiously studies the tube map for the stop they need to get off at to see Monument. (Pro top - get off at Monument)

The backpackers

A backpack takes up excessive space on an underground carriage. When your life possessions are in your backpack then it's time to consider how many people you're pissing off.

The hobo

I don't get how they can afford the EXTORTIONATE fares.

The football fans

Imagine these guys on a tube carriage. Well you don't have to just go to London on Saturday at around 5pm.

The fancy dressers

"You will be upgraded." No doubt that's what this fancy dresser is saying. The Cybermen once tried to invade London, let's hope this guy didn't get attacked by people fearing the robotic men were real after all.

And…The people on the way to/back from work

This guy must have had a hard day at work. He probably works in a bank 16 hours-a-day which would explain why he's asleep on the tube. Or he has really bad back posture.

Follow me on Twitter @Alex_Harris1991