How To: Queue

I haven’t stepped foot in a Co-op supermarket for a very long time. I usually shop at the home of the middle classes – Waitrose – but it was quicker for me to go to Co-op.

I wasn’t in a rush. No, I was more concerned about the fact that we were supposedly in the grip of an unprecedented dust storm that had made its way to Britain from the Sahara. I mean you couldn’t exactly see any dust or anything but you have to listen to meteorologists, they’re always right. Well usually.

The reason why I was risking my health by going outdoors into the GREAT DUST STORM in the first place was to deposit a cheque into my ISA. My Dad had entrusted me with the princely sum of £50 and instructed me to put it towards my future.

“You should put this £50 towards your future,” he said. Why is it that things seem more authoritative when they are accompanied by quotes?

“I don’t know,” I thought.

I finished my business in the bank and headed over the road to Co-op. I don’t get Co-op. There is never anyone browsing products or wandering the aisles yet there is always a massive queue. Answers in an e-mail please, no one sends postcards anymore.

(C) The Co-operative Group

Anyway I had picked up a two litre carton of milk and a copy of The Sun and I joined the plethora of people in the queue. I had my earphones in – I was listening to We Are Scientists, if you care to know – as I didn’t want to be stopped by chuggers and effectively robbed in the most middle-class way possible.

The lady in front of me in the queue looked uneasy. Nervous. On edge. Maybe she too was trying to solve the mystery of Co-op that I outlined earlier. I hoped she was but I imagine she was just impatient.

“Does this lady not appreciate a good queue?” I mused in my mind. 

She kept looking around anxiously and I began to wonder if I was singing out loud. Nope, my lips were not moving at all and there was certainly no noise coming from my mouth.

There were only two people working the tills and I suspect the lengthy wait frustrated the lady. The reason I say this is because she became noticeably calmer when a third member of staff hopped on a till and starting serving.

Don't follow Mr Bean's example when it comes to queuing

I fear for that lady. Britain is the home of queuing and mastering the art of standing and waiting patiently provides you with plenty of social capital. She must be seriously lacking in social capital.

So here’s a handy guide – I would say a cut out guide but this is the internet after all – on how to queue:

1) Identify the queue and join at the back.

2) Leave a small space between you and the person in front.

3)  DO NOT cut in front of anyone. You will have hell to pay.

4) Move forward in sync with the rest of the queue. DO NOT stand around holding everyone else up.

5) If you must express dissatisfaction then a simple tut will suffice.

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